In which I take a Writing 101 class online and RAMBLE

I'm doing a thing.  Writing 101.  I found it on the blogger news at the bottom of my screen when I logged into my blog.  It sends me a prompt every week for one month, and each day of the week has a new twist.  Today's prompt, write non-stop for twenty minutes, and don't think about what you're going to write beforehand.  So, if this sounds a bit rambly, now you know why.  The prompt for today is to have the courage to publish the rambliness.

I guess what's been on my mind lately is a big thing.  The big thing that involves me returning to America.  Not in August like I originally planned to close my service, but a little earlier than that.  Like, this Friday.  Holy poop I'm going to be in America on Friday.  It hasn't actually hit me yet.  My head likes to delay emotions, so it'll probably hit me in the middle of JFK airport or something.  I'll let you know how that goes.
Perhaps I should mention why I'm heading back to the States earlier than anticipated.  Well, that's the tough part to explain, and I thought that I should create a well thought-out blog post to explain what's been going on with me for the past few months, and really my whole life, but I couldn't possibly write about anything else at the moment.  My homecoming is just taking complete hold on my brain, so what better way to relinquish that grasp than to ramble about it?  And to write rhetorical questions about it!

I've got a pre-existing condition.  The doctors and I have not yet figured out how long specifically I've had this illness, but we can gather that it's been around since at least high school.  This condition is rather stagnant for the vast majority of the time, meaning that for most of my life, no one would even be able to tell that there was anything wrong with me.  There are little to no symptoms, and I can go about my daily life just like everybody else.  I guess that's probably why it took until I was 24 years old to figure out that there was anything wrong in the first place.

It is only during situations that put stress on the body and mind that this particular illness decides to rear its ugly head.  There are numerous stressors that could bring this about, so it seems impossible to figure out when exactly the symptoms will begin.  Because this illness is a pre-existing condition, that means that it is in my DNA.  It's a chemical imbalance in my body.  My neurotransmitters are malfunctioning.  They're not producing enough seratonin, endorphins, and dopamine.  Symptoms include insomnia, loss of appetite or over-eating, irritability, weight loss or weight gain, loss of energy, feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, worthlessness, diarrhea, anxiety, fatigue, difficulty concentrating, and thoughts of suicide.  You might recognize what my illness is now.  I have depression.  I wanted to describe all that I've researched about the disease before I named it, because depression has such a stigma on it.  Many people just think that you're extra sad, or depressed.  Feeling depressed is much different than the mental illness that is depression.  It's so much more complicated.

The good news is that it's very treatable!  Because my body is not producing enough 'happy' chemicals on its own, I can take antidepressants, which basically tell my neurotransmitters to get their sh#* together and start making more happy chemicals.  On top of that, a popular form of therapy is cognitive behavioral therapy, which deals with your thought processes.  People with depression sometimes think about things a lot differently than people without depression, and some of these thought processes are not good, or just wrong.  Cognitive Behavioral Therapy works to challenge these thought processes, kind of like the scientific method.  We have hypotheses, but the therapists challenge these hypotheses, and ask us to do experimentation.  We actually think about why we think the things that we think.  It's all very complicated, as I said before, and there's still so much I don't know, and have yet to learn.  I'm actually a little bit excited to learn about psychology, and of course very excited to get better.

My twenty minutes is up, so I'll leave you with this.  Thank you for reading my rambles.  I tried to explain everything as much as possible.  I don't want your pity, but I do want your hope, because hope is something people with depression don't get enough of, so hope that I can get better.  Peace Corps has been taking incredible care of me so far, and I really appreciate all of the opportunities that I have had in the past year and a half in Cambodia.  I look to the future with hope, and to the past with fondness.